Hey OBN, I got this letter…

18 01 2011

Dear Joe and Rebecca,

You guys aren’t going to believe this, but I got this letter in the mail today and it was address to OBN. I guess they just got it wrong somehow and sent it to me. I almost never look at the envelope when opening the mail – as you can imagine I just tear into it. Well, I think it’s too important to waste time mailing it to you guys, so I’m just going to post the contents of the letter here. It’s pretty strange.

_____________________________________________

To the People who created OBN,

It has come to the attention of the Outdoor Security Institute that your organization, by it’s encouragement of outdoor activities, is a threat to Nature. That’s right, a threat to Nature. It is our understanding that, because of you – bloggers from all over the United States and the world are linking up with each other and creating friendships and communities of like-minded individuals. These people are creating websites and blogs that promote frightening things like fishing, kayaking, hiking, hunting, snorkling, mountain climbing, making fire from sticks and noodling. ( We’re not sure here at the Outdoor Security Institute what that is, but it sounds dirty enough to warrant our attention! )

This has to stop!

It appears that all manner of wildlife is in danger of being utilized responsibly by these “outdoors people” you are dealing with. Fish are caught and eaten, or released – probably because the individual involved suspects O.S.I. is watching them, no doubt! Squirrels are taken and eaten, and sometimes even the tail and fur are used for making fishing flies. Mountains are hiked and climbed and people sit for hours and listen to the sounds of Nature, watch sunsets and sit around camp-fires talking until the wee hours of the morning. The very Nature they claim they enjoy – and yet they steal the sounds by being there to listen to them, and to see the sights and smell the smelly smells! Shame, shame, shame! We are horrified by the enjoyment people are getting from the outdoors and nearly brought to tears because of the way people are avoiding television, board games, the mopping of kitchen floors, and daily sock washing.

Rivers are floated in all manner of craft, and not for transportation!

Oh yes, we’ve heard about it – sometimes, incredibly and disgustingly – JUST FOR FUN! And people are constantly talking about ways they fight what you so-called “outdoors people” call “Cabin Fever” which we here at O.S.I. know to be code-words for IADD, or “Inside Attention Deficit Disorder!”

We even saw a post which named a river, that other people who stumble upon the website might go and enjoy it. While we believe in the individuals right to free speech, O.S.I. knows that more people in America get sun-burned while fishing or rafting than get West Nile by kissing a hermit crab. It’s a proven fact, so don’t even try to deny it. ( Besides, hermit crabs are horrible kissers.)

This woman. Must. Be. Stopped. We hear she talks to the trout! "INCOMING!"

So, we’re going to be keeping our eyes on you, OBN….the Outdoor Security Institute may be fictional, but we are NOT to be defied! Because sooner or later, we’re going to hire some imaginary workers who will patrol the woods and waters all around the globe and put an abrupt end to all this “outdoor fun.”

Sincerely and with a hearty ” WATCH YOUR BACK, YOU NATURE FREAKS,”

Nathan Q CoFisher
3433 Emms, New Zealand
O.S.I. World-Wide HQ

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7 responses

18 01 2011
kmurray

Oh now that is just too funny!

18 01 2011
Al Quackenbush

That is hilarious. Hahaha!

18 01 2011
Tweets that mention Hey OBN, I got this letter… « Fly Fishing the Southern Blue Ridge -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kari Murray, Owl Jones, Owl Jones and others. Owl Jones said: Hey OBN, I got this letter…: http://wp.me/p1glyG-8g […]

18 01 2011
Jay

Glad to read a post from the ole Owl in top form.

18 01 2011
The River Damsel

Hey, just call me Dr…err…Ms. Doolittle…talkin’ to fish that sometimes need some direction towards my net…ha. Funny thing is, they understand!!!

19 01 2011
Cory Yarmuth

Very Good! I really enjoyed this. It’s just too bad that there are actually people out there that would write a letter like that. It’s just sad that it could happen and that a funny post could be a reality in some aspects.

19 01 2011
Owl Jones

It’s not really that far from the truth, is it? You’re right. A good reason for outdoor folks of every stripe to continue to form bonds and stick up for each other.

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