NOW TAKING INVESTMENTS

9 01 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen,

 

Tonight FFSBR begins taking investment capital in our latest business concept, which we like to call, informally – Indoor Fishing.

That’s right, we’ve been doing research now and an undisclosed location somewhere in South Georgia or Northern Florida or Guam, and we’ve come up with an economically feasible, biologically sound way to create the ultimate foul-weather, winter-time or (if you live in Georgia, Florida Texas or maybe Guam) summer-time fishing experience.

The idea is simple. We get you to buy into this thing, and then take the money and run with it to Sweden, if they have trout and if not, we trade it all in on new fly rods, reels, line and waders to last us four lifetimes and sneak off to Wyoming or Alaska where we’re pretty sure they have trout, or at least carp and catfish.

The idea for the Indoor Fishing company is a bit more complicated. ( Should we actually choose to use your investments for that…) We would first build a big arena. Something the size of the Georgia Dome would be about right. Then, we put in a fish-fry fast food joint, several fly shops and bait stores, maybe one gas station and a Krystal (no drive thru). We put a box office on one side and a fish cleaning area on the other, near the exits. We haul in three or four of those self-help ice machines, and sell coolers from a small kiosk where some high school drop out barely lets you complete the transaction, since the new issue of Skateboarding World has just arrived.

Anglers would come in the dead of winter, or the heat of summer and cast a line into a giant 500,000 gallon “pond” that would be modeled on the “cement pond” that the Clampett’s had in Beverly Hills in the 70’s. We searched for three years for the site of that original pond, but could not find it. So, we resorted to following our gut and creating the secret pond in the secret location by watching those old documentary films about the family. ( We highly suspect that the “gorilla” on those films was not a “real” gorilla at all but was obviously trained. Or something. )

The water would be kept at a perfect temperature by industrial sized cooling vents, powered by the souls of dolphins through a process we can only describe as ” that thing we do with the dolphins souls.” The anglers would pay for a yearly pass or something we like to call a “day pass” before fishing, and would be required to state their fishing method before entering the “casting area.” We project that the yearly pass would be as little as $400 and a “day pass” would run you $402. That way, we would always sell the yearly pass for $400 and everyone wins. Right?

Each angler would be required to carry a long-handled net, which would help to land the fish, and also help should a game of “poke your neighbor with a pole” break out. The bowfin anglers could forgo the net, after signing a waiver and carry a small double-barreled shotgun to dispatch the ugly bowfin which no one really likes anyway.

Anglers would be limited to one rod and reel and must use only #6/0 hooks and larger. ( We are projecting that this will reduce the mortality rate of the more expensive fish to near zero if we are vigilant in enforcing this rule.) Bait would be allowed, but only cut okra and deviled eggs on Mondays. And Tuesdays. And every other day except Sunday when we will allow the use of no more than .57 inches of night crawler, which must be alive and given the choice of whether or not to get on the hook, or be eaten by a bird. We’ll need the night crawler’s decision in writing and will require that it be notarized. Third door on the left, past the antique Pac-Man games, … $88.32 plus tax.

After catching your preferred fish, you would take them to the cleaning station where they would be cleaned by that Asian woman who helped Mike Rowe clean the Gooeyducks. She was hilarious. After cleaning, your catch would be yours to carry out in a paper bag, or in one of our coolers ($45.33 plus tax) lined with crystal clear, cold, freshly made ice($23.34 ea.).  Upon leaving, a nice looking blonde with big eyes would …..big EYES….would take your photograph with your prized cooler and ice. Then, putting the fish back in place, you could purchase a copy of the photo (for a more than reasonable $39.59) and have it emailed to you within one week(for the small fee of $19.47).

In addition to the fishing, food and incredible fun this Indoor Fishing Arena would provide, there would be manicure booths and hair stylists for the ladies who do not fish, and rock climbing walls, bumper cars and video games for the kids. Babysitting services could also be provided, for a fee naturally, and a small portion of your catch.

 

So, as you can see we have a very lucrative business plan that we think you’ll be happy to know is totally, 100%, fully insured and ready to roll. ( We had to strangle that gecko, but it was worth it.) We launch in a week, building our first Indoor Fishing Arena in the greater Stuckyville area. If we can find the greater Stuckyville area. The guys in the Star Cruiser promised us it was somewhere just south of Idaho Falls. Don’t worry. We’ll find it. So you just send in your money, before we get all the investors we need and you are left out in the cold.

 

Your share is 45.9 million. We’ll take a check if your phone number is on it.

 

 

 

 

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18 responses

9 01 2011
JM

I see your pricing is modeled after Disney World’s?

9 01 2011
Owl Jones

Yes, but we have FISH! 🙂

9 01 2011
Quill Gordon

You’re on to something here and I think I can round up a whole group of investors for you. I’m going to give them your name and address right away. You’ll love them! There’s the “Quill, pull that dead tree out of the water because I keep losing flies when I’m trolling” bunch, the “beavers are eating all the fish” guys, the “what’s up with all these gosh darn bugs landing on me” crowd, the “I saw an otter, you’d better kill it right away” group and quite a few who were unable to fish because it was too windy, too sunny, too cloudy or about to rain. I can get even more investors if you can guarantee fish on their line (but don’t tell them the fish was put there by unemployed pearl divers disguised as mermaids).

A climate-controlled, hermetically sealed dome over a smooth-bottomed, obstruction-free pond with guaranteed fish would be just the ticket for these guys. You would make money and be doing me a favor at the same time by getting them out of my hair. It’s a win-win situation!

(PS- I posted some crumpets to go with your Tenkara rod and tea corner this week.)

9 01 2011
Owl Jones

Like an old bluegrass song I once heard said: ” You’re the same kinda crazy as me. ” 🙂

And hey – I love crumpets. They are a vital part of any marching band. Right next to the tubas they sound great. Matter of fact, my wife played crumpet in the high school band and she was darn good at it.

tight lines, less snow,

owl

9 01 2011
Tweets that mention NOW TAKING INVESTMENTS « Fly Fishing the Southern Blue Ridge -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Func. Fishaholics, Owl Jones. Owl Jones said: NOW TAKING INVESTMENTS: http://wp.me/p1glyG-5B […]

9 01 2011
Nate - Fishing In Pa

I’m in! Can I break knuckles when people try and catch more than 1 fish?

9 01 2011
Clif

“Please, not outside food, beverage, cameras or coolers allowed in the Fishoplex.”

10 01 2011
Owl Jones

I was looking for just the perfect name! You get 50% partnership!

10 01 2011
Clif

I’m in only if the spinners sprinkled from the rafters every hour on the hour are American made and dropped by 100% union workers.

10 01 2011
Owl Jones

They may be Americans, but no union workers. We can’t pay $329.99 an hour for spinner sprinklers. I mean, we have to keep our costs down, you know? Live spinners are expensive, but you should see the rates for the baby cats for the Hammerhead pool. 😉

OwlJones.com – A Southeastern Fly Fishing Internet Hub!

13 01 2011
Clif

Yep…you made me laugh

Hammerhead pool

9 01 2011
Jay

Why you gotta be hatin’ on Bowfin?

9 01 2011
Howard

All righty then…move along folks there’s nothing to see here. Mr. Jones has had a small breakdown, but I’m sure he’ll be better by this evening. Owl, if it was the photos of the Georgia snowplows that caused this, my sincere apologies.

10 01 2011
Owl Jones

Hahah. did you get the one I sent you back? What a bad doggie! ( I don’t know why he’s bad, he was just showing off. haha)

9 01 2011
The River Damsel

Hey, make it four hours south of Idaho Falls…and…well, it’s in my backyard!!! How cool is that? (or warm as the case may be) Great idea.

10 01 2011
Owl Jones

Ohhhhh, sorry. People who fish smidgetoe nymphs are banned. It’s a safety thing. You understand. 😉

10 01 2011
Howard

Yes I did get your photo. I thought it was my step-son. My apologies to the doggie as well.

10 01 2011
Owl Jones

ha! 🙂

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