Gear Review: Generic Plain White Socks.

31 12 2010

So I haven’t landed any of the swanky swag that the OBN folks help outdoor companies get out to outdoor bloggers for review.

No matter. This Christmas I got some new fly fishing gear. A really awesome pair of socks, made just for fishing. I know they’re made for fishing because they came in a plastic bag, like a rod does when it comes from Cabela’s. Also, they have some really awesome features that are geared toward making your day on the water an incredible experience. So, here’s my review of my new, incredible Generic Plain White Socks.

The material is stunning. White, white, white… with a resilient, almost cotton-like feel. Fine white material with a tight, springy, super-low-pill weave. Lightweight and very soft, the toe area is apparently sewn on with great care, and an enormous seam that can only be necessary to serve as a barrier to any pools of water that may leak into your waders and threaten to wet your feet. Each sock has a distinct and formal looking hole for your foot to enter, with what can only be described as a welded seam at the top. This is useful for keeping sand, sticks and grass away from your feet…as long as you make sure not to step in sand, sticks or grass.

The length of the plain white socks is perfect for fishing. Long enough to stuff a trout inside for transport, yet short enough not to catch flies on your backcast while wet-wading. The smooth, heavy top weave around the “tube” section of the sock is perfect for attaching forceps or other tools that you don’t mind reaching down to your toes to retrieve. It’s also clear, upon testing these Generic Plain White Socks out at home before taking them out on the river, that in a pinch, the material is designed to be used to tie a #26 white midge pupae ( #26 midge hooks not included).

The Generic Plain White Socks are no doubt worth every penny, but the bonus is the package they come in – again, it’s a very nice, nearly clear plastic container that would make Cody Lundin swoon and Les Stroud pant with glee, until passing out from some primal drug use episode which would no doubt be induced by the aforementioned glee over receiving the Generic Plain White Socks. Les loves his primeval hallucinogens. And while in a state of “enlightenment” someone like Les could use the bag to connect to the spirit world, fan the flames of spiritual fires, or as a portable latrine. No doubt Cody could boil water, make a splint for a broken ear lobe, or create the greatest work of post-modern-primeval-desert sculpture the world has ever known. No doubt, with a little practice or some native drugs, anyone could do the same.

This review of the Generic Plain White Socks (designed for angling!) would not be complete if I didn’t mention the flaws. They do not have a live-well built in and you must take one sock off and insert the plastic container that they arrived in into the sock before it will hold water or fish or a tuna sandwich on ice. They only come in one color, which is white. No doubt that because of the quality of workmanship and the Generic Plain White Sock Company’s attention to detail, they’ve coated each unit with a space-aged camouflaging agent which renders them all but invisible to everything but creek chubs, brown trout smaller than 6 inches and blind kangaroos. ( The tag doesn’t specify this fact…which is an unfortunate additional flaw, IMHO.) Still, to the wearer they are stark white and again – not available in any other color. ( Other socks, brown, green, gray and black and clearly not made for angling and you should be ashamed to be seen in such attire on any trout stream in the world. No doubt some of you have already disgraced the good sport of trout angling with other colored socks already. Cretins! )

They are also rather limp and cannot be used as a bait or lure, casting poorly on even the longest tenkara rod. This is not as much a concern as one might think, since it is exceedingly increasingly difficult to find a hook the size of a small Mini-cooper on which to impale said bait. And finally, if the Generic Plain White Socks have been used – especially by a big fat guy while actually fishing – the temporary yet devastating smell would most likely keep all but the roughest of fish or most desperate of cats, from being able to stomach a taste, thus making any sort of hook-up highly unlikely on most waters.

In the end, I give the Plain White Socks a solid 9. Out of 100. On a Bell Curve.




9 responses

31 12 2010

“…each sock has a distinct and formal looking hole for your foot to enter.”


31 12 2010
Howard (cofisher)

Well, there’s two of us who have lost our minds…sad, really sad.

31 12 2010
Owl Jones

Maybe you have mine and I have yours? You ever been to Carlisle PA? We could have crossed paths there perhaps and on a strange, mystic day along the banks of the fabled LeTort, swapped noggins!

31 12 2010
Quill Gordon

This review is almost enough to make me re-think my colorful, wooly, cretinous ways.

31 12 2010
Owl Jones

AH HA! My intention all along…the plan is working!

31 12 2010

Have you tried the one with the gold toes? Well worth the extra $1.25 a pack.

1 01 2011

Great stuff Owl! I always love the humor you bring to your little corner of the internet.

9 01 2011
Owl Jones

Thanks JM. 🙂

4 02 2011
Fontinalis Rising

Very funny- I have a whole drawer full of Generic Plain White Socks, and find that they make awesome potholders in camp. I also have a drawer full of Heavily Ventilated Underwear, but that should be save for another review.


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